forgive myself

Faith Story

Sweet Forgiveness…

Adapted from the story found in 2 Samuel 11-12.

For David had done what was right in the eyes of the Lord and had not failed to keep any of the Lord’s commands all the days of his life—except in the case of Uriah the Hittite.      –  (1 Kings 15:5)

I slowly dipped the pen into the ink as I was considering the words that would become my alibi.

A drop of ink fell to the ground as if it were a drip of blood from my broken heart.

Uriah, one of  my own mighty men of valor, whose life has been on the line for the best in me was about to die for the worst in me.

My eyes fell from the parchment to the floor upon which he slept.  I tried to get him to go home.  I tried to make it easy for both of us.  I tried.

I saw him as quiet as a sabbath morning resting, preparing for his next battle.

That was his last night in a king’s palace.  It was his last opportunity to embrace his bride.

“My Lord’s men are camped in the open country. How could I…”  Those words became his crowning glory.

She was beautiful that night.  As I stood on that roof looking down, I thought it would be worth whatever it cost.  Just one night. Just one. Just…

How could I know the brokenness wrapped up in this one hasty decision to call her in?

How could I know that a man would die at the altar of my selfish appetite?  Not just any man– Uriah.

She resisted.  I couldn’t.  That part of me that materialized from the pit of Sheol the day another glorious woman took the apple seemed too much to resist.

The blood of a thousand spotless lambs couldn’t cover the shame of the words that spilled out from the tip of that writing tool that day.

But I couldn’t stop myself.  Those words seemed to be my only hope to save my pride… my dignity… my honor.

Joab,” I wrote.

My hands were shaking; I could hardly get the words to fall on the parchment.

Put Uriah out in front where the fighting is fiercest.

How could I?  I was a man after God’s own heart.  How could I?

“Then withdraw from him so he will be struck down and…

Had I lost my mind?  Was I mad?

…and die.

I watched her eyes as the horse galloped through the city gates.  She had no idea he was coming to announce that her beloved was dead.  As the pages of this tragedy slowly opened, she fell to her knees and screamed.  Her tears flooded my soul with pain.  Those screams rang in my ears deafeningly proclaiming my guilt.

I considered taking my own life in payment for his:  one for one, an eye for an eye.  That notion was never stronger than the day my faithful prophet leaned over and whispered in my ear,

“The man is you.”

Exposed:  ripped open for all to see.  I can’t imagine how I made it through the following days.  Months later that baby was born.  Seven days and death snatched up that son of sin.  Then the window of hope opened that allowed me to peer into a future worth living.  It was framed by Nathan’s words:

“The Lord has taken away your sin.”

How could He?  And if so, how could I acquit myself?

It took time to learn to stand on the truth that it is not what I do (or do not do) that merits his love, but in my identity as His beloved.  Brokenness followed us in the years to come.  I had to force myself to believe the scandalous proclamation of innocence he pronounced over me.

It will take you some time too.

When the antagonist looks you straight in the eye and says that you are used up and good for nothing, you’ve got to fall to your knees, throw your arms tightly around the feet of Abba and believe with every ounce of hope that it’s not what others say about you or even what you think about yourself.  Just as he flung his Word at the speed of light straight from Heaven and thundered,

Let there be light!

The light of a million torches flamed into existence and lit up a void of darkness that we cannot comprehend.

 

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That same voice, with that same magnitude, declares with an assurance that cannot be matched by a thousand noble men,

Forgive them, for they know not what they do.

It is finished.”  Sweet forgiveness.

As I wrote those last words a drop of ink fell from the tip of my pen like a drip of blood from my rescued heart.

 

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Husband. Father. Disciple of Jesus. Entrepreneur. My passion is to call people to embrace a vision, count the cost, overcome the obstacles, and chase their dreams.

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